Andy Allo, Anthony Mackey, Atlanta, BBM, Blackberry, Blue Fin, Blue Lines, Blue Lines Blog, Blue Print Cleanse, California, Detox, Esthero, Everything’s Ruined, Faith No More, Foo Fighters, Intermezzo Cafe, Joi, Joi Gilliam, Key Yemaya Walker, Keypsiia, Keypsiia Walker, Long Road To Ruin, MARZ Lovejoy, Matt Damon, NIN, Nine Inch Nails, Norah Jones, Pal's Lounge, RA Sushi Bar, Ruiner, Sushi, The Adjustment Bureau, The Amoeba Cleansing Syndrome, UNC, UNC Chapel Hill, You've Ruined Me
“…you ruined me, I don’t want to settle for anything else…”
A quote you will see in both major Blue Lines Blog posts this week, but I will get to that in some time. This week was eventful that the “e-mail” that I have been vaguely mentioning very often in these posts came in 2 very different incarnations over the last 3-4 weeks. Both transmissions, said two totally different things. Subsequently, after learning a new type of patience, I do feel that I still have much to learn, that the 2007 – 08 version of myself would have learned much quicker, or should I say that version of myself was more grounded.
Unfortunately, the message I received was shocking, as it was unexpected, and after the work I had put in, the level of surprise was that much more intense. While I sat bewildered, shocked, surprised, angry, annoyed, saddened and depressed for a brief time, that was a first for me (the depression), my fight or flight responses were on edge, as I had previously scheduled plans, that I had a big role in making happen, therefore I could not disappear…for an evening I had to hide in a public setting, which was both fortunate (I was not left to my own devices to possibly sulk), and unfortunate (I needed some time to clear my mind and thoughts).
Luckily I was afforded time to reflect on the entire situation the day after. As I sat back, with the information still freshly imprinted in my mind, I thought of how I was leaving my decisions to this one piece of information. Yes, in part I had made other choices as they pertained to this piece of information, but instead of the plan being a direction I was heading in, it was contingent on the perceived answer/outcome…between BBM messages between a good friend and I, the overriding tone of the day was “focus.” Items that crossed my mind, “my continuing process of getting in my way,” “decisions contingent on myself,” “alignment with my goals,” Blue Lines, my future.
I thought about my recent Blue Print Cleanse journey, and how this cleanse had the best structure of any detox/fast in my past, mentally I had these least focus, and the least personal development from it. Also, I “allowed life to get in the way,” and once challenging situations, and I rose to the occasion to do my part, I reverted back to the one meal a day, not really worrying about when or if I eat, that precipitated my cleanse. I also reflected on the decisions I was set to allow this “e-mail” to answer for me, but realized that I had not planned for a negative outcome (granted, a “yes,” became a “maybe later,” not a “no,” I just may not be able wait). If the thing I saw this bring to me are what I want, then one decision should not be the deciding factor. I had to make some realistic decisions.
As I sat, and I saw a film that spoke to me…I am one usually moved by music, and literature, I observed a story that was needed at that time, deeply rooted in making decisions, in choice, in recurring circumstances and taking note of them, and it was then and there that I made one of many decisions, at least formulated a plan, with realistic goals. I felt that many of the events and words that shaped the film were speaking to me, and I in part saw a part of my story on that theatre screen. Also, one recurring theme was how the concept of there bein a plan for me/us/whatever that continually bucks what may seem as predestined, why do we not take full advantage when we continue to have that opportunity? What does that mean going forward? I may be poised to make one of the greatest decisions/choices/mistakes in my life, but it’s a decision rooted in history, hope, but even more optimistic, a choice that I came to. And as the words that opened this post intimates, when you know what you want, why settle for something that is not it. I plan to succeed.
To add, I do think that I need to put a decided effort in living for myself. It is a good trait to be there for people who need you, but when you are not there for yourself, and when one can reflect and see that their decisions that they make for themselves are just there, because they think they need to be there. There comes a time when, “yes,” I can be there for you, but when will I be there for me. Because I have to be there first for myself.
Before I list off some of the things I’ve learned the last two weeks, yes I feel that last week’s “What I Learned…” was rushed, I must say that it has been a learning experience. I have found, rediscovered some of my “personal,” creativity in helping a good friend prepare for her first meeting with a man that I hope for big things between them. But I got to take the opportunity to discover new locales, and share these locales and how to plan a weekend, and experience. Chilling at the new Intermezzo Café, (more elegant and inside affair, with wifi) and the original Intermezzo Café (more for afterhours, fresh open air, and apt to conversation since they turn off the wifi at 6pm) was an experience in how to conduct a date, or post chilling and coffee with dessert. Small plates at the hidden gem Pearl Restaurant & Lounge that were flavorful, but not the place for “THE” first date. Bluefin seemed to be the sushi equivalent, although their small off to the side 2 person tables are the perfect setting for a couple to get lost in each other. Even the ability to have conversation with someone I look at as a true friend, allowed for discourse on things that are not complicated by a future relationship, sex, etc. The things that I wish I could freely whenever needed, regardless of the type of “friendship,” but again I am very lucky.
More of what I learned, sometimes it can help to hide in public.
It makes no sense to do something you know you do not want to.
Don’t argue with stupid people, it just makes you look stupid too.
Goals and decisions always need to be made.
Sometimes hard decisions payoff for those involved in the future.
I love dogwood trees.
Some things are not as special as the first time, but conversely (going some weeks back), some things truly are…that was circular.
I was made for the northeast.
I love that period of time in the spring when the dogwoods bloom.
Listening to Joi is always amazing, being able to get a copy of “The Amoeba Cleansing Syndrome” from her with three songs I did not have and two that I had not previously heard, was amazing.
You realize thing things and people you need when you decide to disappear in plain sight.
True friends return as if there has not been time in between seeing each other.
I love no sports team more than the Braves.
Atlanta sports fans are the worst of any other market or city…and they usually like every team from EVERY other MARKET and CITY.
Sushi is the greatest food ever created.
Red Velvet, White Chocolate, and Carrot are the best cakes, though my sweet intake has never been that high. Hint, hint.
I love how words, especially English, have so many different meanings based on pronunciation, inflection, placement…the concept that is, but I dislike when they are misinterpreted.
JUST IN: Esthero is matering her new album next week!!!
I love my manuscript Blue Lines, it just needs my having more time.
I always see people/actresses who I see as a fit to play Keypsiia in a movie adaptation of Blue Lines, although my current list has one person at the top (AA), this newly discovered artist MARZ Lovejoy would be a perfect Keypsiia (look, hair, tone, reps Cali), but the tats (not that I disapprove) don’t match Keypsiia Walker.