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“I hope you get everything you are looking for,” she said as we embraced and said “goodbye,” for the first and last time. Her embrace and heart was warm as I left my ride waiting so that I could walk her to the metro station. The Lower East Side, was so alive this night. Looking at this belleza, I hated that our night was ending prematurely…for many reasons, just not the right reasons.

Our eyes both full of melancholy, but for markedly different reasons. Earlier that evening we had met for the first time. Very cute, young, idealistic, still looking for something…someone. Us, no mutual connections, just very new friends…coupled with tertiary relationships.

So the night was very cool, dinner, laughs, karaoke (I sang different songs), and as it became quite apparent the direction that it was headed in, my friend and my “new” friends left to allow for a new friend today. Ending with “Californication,” we sat side by side (the most comfortable position for a woman, trust me I used to study this stuff), she mouthed the words of my song, as she had all night. Thus creating conflict in my heart.

For the sake of this story, it’s too easy for me to be “good,” especially when I know I should. Before my last HUGE decision, I knew that unless I was that man, I’d have to stand down…and though left sitting, karaoke-ing with this beautiful young woman, the realization came…

Earlier that night, the conversation progressed from photos of a young couple. The comment was made, “she has so much going for her, and he doesn’t.” Supported by, granted I was at dinner with 3 women, “when we’re young it’s all about romance, and we can change him, when we’re older, it’s about whether he’s on our level.”

So with that, we return to the “realization,” if you are looking for something, you barely know me, however you see something in me…I can’t spoil you, hurt you, or use you and tarnish your thoughts of men. I’d rather you wished it happen, but be smart enough to know that those few fleeting hours, that one hug are not enough to base a future on. So your melancholy eyes, saw this man walk away, likely for the first and last time, I walked away with melancholy eyes knowing, I wanted something temporary, something fleeting, but I would be wrong to do that with you.

“I hope you get everything you are looking for,” I in turn, truly hope that you get what you are looking for, without the hurt, the pain, and path that I took…I hope we meet Again, but we are lucky, we can still be friends. If I touched you, with nothing to offer, I would have left you in a place you didn’t deserve to be in…therefore I traded my immediate gratification, since my sordid heart lies elsewhere, for you romantic health…because your heart doesn’t lie HERE yet.

Now onto the original/edited composition of this week’s edition. The portion, influenced by Joi Gilliam.

I know that this is late. I had a ton of ideas for W.I.L.S. and it wasn’t until I read this post by one of my favorite artists, Joi Gilliam (her work, vocals on Outkast, Goodie Mob, Raphael Saadiq, Lucy Pearl, Joss Stone, George Clinton, etc.). She said:
Ladies like to be taken out on dates. I promise you, they do. Still. The real ones. The courting kind. 🙂 Dates are sweet. Thoughtful. Romantic. Healing. Sexy. And, they scream “I appreciate you so much that I took the time to plan a day we could enjoy together.” Take note, fellas. No matter the weather in your neck of the woods, take your lady on a date today. 🙂

To which I made my comment, and she replied.

@blue take ’em anyway. they REALLY need it. 😉

Why is this striking? Because YOU need to let me be him for you, or figure out why YOU won’t let me go, when I did so with YOU. So I thought what a great starting point for this week’s post, about the previous week. It also played into another thought that had been sitting in my mind this last week, but how did I tackle this idea…I slept on it. I guess I learned that when the body needs rest, it takes it.
Focusing back on the above post, I’ll admit, my thoughts last night better suited my writing this, however, as I sit in front of this screen right now, I feel that I play a public game, with something/one that I should be speaking directly to. And unfortunately as my life changes, so do opportunities, hopes and wishes of days, weeks, and months ago. So with that said…what I learned:

-This is not a bad thing, but as I briefly posted on the Blue Lines facebook page, lately there has been enough traffic that has pushed to my blog that has been searches for a good friend who passed on unbeknownst to me in 2000. I met her through her cousin, who was my co-worker, and we connected as great friends through music. Originally from the Bronx, that New York connection did not hurt. Through her I gained access to artists, music, unreleased music, which at that time (1995-1997) wasn’t as easy as today. Not to delve too deep, but I feel that she needed mentioning because her name has come up, and because I knew/felt when she passed, but did not find out until many years later that she actually had died. Long un-publishable story. Further proving the point, tell people how you feel. I got to do that myself this year…after too long a wait.

-Running is liberating, and the path to my road FROM ruin (ruin being over 2 years messing up the health and fitness progress I had put in).

-Men, treasure women. I sure do…all of y’all.

-Tell people what you need to tell them…feeling I need to again.

-Realize the people who really love you.

-I do miss New York. I really believe my path is NYC, and then ends in California. Who’s coming for the ride?

-Not you.

-How many times do I have to say, Cali is like Florida, only better??? Lmao, that’s like when I kept having to say, “Don’t talk, I just need you to listen.” True stories.

-It stinks to have not run the Peachtree Road Race, after I have the last two years, hopefully I get in and run it next year.

-I remembered why I STOPPED playing “Words With Friends,” highly addictive.

-What are YOU and I doing??? Really??? Either we need to…

– Having a muse is both a gift and a curse, as of late, it has yielded a plethora of new material (at least 14 of 15 pieces of prose/poetry) assorted short stories, and the such.

The manuscript Blue Lines is the fictional coming of age narrative of a young California woman Key Yemaya Walker, and her 2 year growing journey through school, love, and life period piece, written by Kenneth Suffern, Jr., taking place at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill between the years of 1997 – 1998. Loosely based on true events, and experiences during that time, told through the eyes and voice of the main female protagonist, a freshman first attending the school.