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Opening with a very brief excerpt from Blue Lines Chapter 13: Beauty In Blue And White. (currently page 135)

Blue closed his eyes, and she understood that he knew the truth in her simple words. Exhaling, he looked toward the idyllic hues of the orange and red leaves that still hung on to the last life of the fleeting summer. He knew that on the eve of their passing, a virgin love was being born between to souls who were occupying the right space at the perfect time. With Keypsiia’s girlish grin still wide, she closed her eyes and looked skyward to accept the warmth of the sun that seemed to caress her. She smiled at the emancipation of her words, and with thoughts of the frightening, unknown love that separated them from the world now.”

Looking back at these moments between these two semi-fictional characters, an 18 year old young woman, and 20 year old young man, the innocence of this time is apparent. Both lacking in experience, and idealistic in what the future holds, and in this instance, what it holds, insofar as “love,” their “love.” A “love,” not yet spoiled by bad decisions, broken and devastated hearts, realizations that these concepts that we believe at this young age, have the opportunity to be proved wrong. “Love…” these are also the transcribed words of a young man, still in that age at that time, far different from thoughts, beliefs, and knowledge now. The problem is, when at this age you a) don’t know the difference of what you “knew” then, but learned along your travels; and b) fail to take heed of the now, versus the then.

When you look at life/events/etc., many things happen for a reason, finding that reason is a challenge in the process. What do I mean by that, well let me first preface, this post has had many directions, however working the weekend, opened a few directions, while challenging my focus in writing this post. To regain my focus, I notice repetition, I notice new experiences, and I notice the past, now repetition continues, as unhealthy as it is, new has reared its beautiful head again.

I will start with the most interesting tidbits that I learned this week. Through facebook, twitter, BlackBerry messenger, twitter, my dealings with YOU etc. my cousin and I have grown extremely close. I’ve never really thought to look into my Cuban and Latin heritage, because it is basically clearcut…or more clear-cut. I found out that my maternal great-grandparents were a Cuban and a Spaniard. A revelation that makes me look in the mirror very differently, as a Hispanic, a Caribbean Cuban Hispanic, Spaniards are looked in a certain light, and to discover that I have Spanish heritage not through rape, pillage, but an actual marriage, and that my family roots on one of the Hispanic sides cleanly reach back to Spain. I hope this statement is understood, cleanly meaning that I have something tangible that I can trace. As a Cuban, I luckily can trace my roots through Cuban and back to Africa in some respect, now this adds a layer to added family knowledge. Cuzzo, we should have the first Family Reunion in Spain, that would be a shocker!!!

Another disturbing revelation, something I feared happened today. I keep names of the living, unless they are working publicly to get their names out there…I really hope it was YOU, but there is one thing that freaks me out about this blog, and the one I didn’t want to happen, happened today.

I am missing balance, and that is from my “plan” not going according to “plan,” though I can say with certainty that I know what happened along that road, in the beginning, and throughout. I do find great solace in that fact. However, the subsequent “plans,” (one recurring) not so much.

Then you came, and reappeared. I know that that is a different story, a different world, and a different connection. It reminds me of a time long ago, that will be repeated, however I will begin here. I remember saying this myself, I will miss out on you, if I can’t be the MAN you need me to be. And it is just that, I can’t be something that I can’t be. The longer I listened, and the longer I heard, the more I knew. Today, it’s not yours to understand.

That leads to my next big point, as I showered this morning before working on Sunday, I thought back to those years ago when I said, if I can’t be the man that you need me to be, I’ll take the chance of not having you. I think of the recently ever-present want and thought of having children. Though, I think I am further from that point than I previously had been, my lifestyle does not have a place for children today (it did then), the only difference being that when you decide and know that a woman is the one, and make that decision in life, you have to be ready then. For a REAL man, that 9 month gestation period you and that woman can grow into what you need to be, if that is what you have in you. I believe or believed that YOU and I could…now? Dammit, I don’t know.

Then I stated in my piece, “The End?”

“…Oddly when in brief levity you knocked again,
This time more unexpected…awkward…public,
You ran when I answered, what “I” needed at the time,
When you stepped in next,
There’s something we give,
Something we need,
Something missing,
Some type of feeling,
We fill some void,
The future is “cloudy,”
The passed, still unexplained,
I’ve left twice for me already,
This isn’t the beginning,
But that day was not THE END?”

Why did YOU come back, we sadly ended so perfectly. Our scene was perfectly written in a book, I asked YOU to let me go, I thought YOU gladly obliged, there was nothing in it for YOU, and it was healthy for me…or us. Then again, the only thing I understand is that YOU won’t let me go though this is not what YOU want, knowing what YOU know. As I said in “Tempt:”

You tempt my heart, but right now we’re far apart…”

Starting What I Learned:

-I’ll key in off of the last portion…content and in moving toward my dream of being a writer, YOU are perfect for me, a muse, the catalyst of all of my best work…even when I don’t feel as such, others appreciate and gravitate toward it. But personally, our words say otherwise and are inconsistent. I’m too old to dream, or be an option.

-Sade is unbelievably amazing in concert. A-MAZ-ING!!!

-I feel that with my writing, I’m like Adele (just research). Nobody’s taking my money though.

-Dayum, I missed out on that window…it was just a year ago…less than that, we crossed wires, now you’re Prince’s muse…lol, do yo thang, but I’m not having his leftovers…although he will do his thing!!!

-Something changed two nights ago, well Saturday night. Though I’m not completely ready, YOU are leaving a void…and recurrence…well, then WTF…who knows.

-I always iterate, I love my nieces. It was funny, cute, joyous to “Songify,” my niece with the app.

-I am very lucky, and fortunate to have my contacts in my industry, just as they did last year, they came through for me again this year.

-Although, we are early in the game, and ahead of schedule, I am very fortunate and proud of that.

-It’s high time to publish Blue Lines.

-It was cool to run into my Afro-Cuban friend in passing…we’re not all over the place in Atlanta.

-Though, this is a common theme, I have been blessed with some material I like, it is just unfortunate how I came to prepare, or create the work.

-I can’t give you an amazing title yet, but goodness…you made me look again.

-Damn Maxwell (if you read my posts, you know what I’m talking about).

-Not trying to be mean…however, Red Hot Chili Peppers,’ Coldplay’s, singles do not have me optimistic about the new work.

-I have access to things I should not.

-And honestly, Jill Scott’s album fell out of my playlist once it dropped out of my “Recently Added” folder…no bueno.

-New Music you should hit up, SBTRKT (the track with Little Dragon becomes weaker as you listen to the album), Bon Iver’s still in the playlist, Linkin Park’s iTunes cover of Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep,” is hot, Martina Topley-Bird (I slept on her live album for almost a year. Little Dragon’s “Ritual Union” EP with remixes, Nintin Sawhney.

-Was shocked Limp Bizkit had a new album (good if you liked their vintage stuff), Wu-Tang Clan have a new album…how did they become wack??? Pete Rock and Smiff N Wessun…trying that out.

-What are we really doing? Really?

-This is not a complaint, I’ve worked for 9 different organizations at the same time, I find it funny that as I move up, and become more senior, I seem to be working more, and have less time than then, when I have to concentrate my time and efforts on only one. Rules of the trade, I guess.

-My plan still includes New York, then California as the last stop…how that goes, we’ll see.

-I already miss New York…that’s not a me thing to miss New York…Tribeca, the Lower East Side, some of Brooklyn…that is the first time ever that I felt that I “belong,” in New York.

-I miss you too Cali…but I don’t feel that I belong there, I haven’t over the last few years that I had visited. Well no, as disjointed as I was, January felt right.

-Something is still missing…

-As someone who should (responsibly) have his phone password protected, but currently do not. Most people who lock their phones, have something to hide (and are not really worried about it being stolen).

-Music can bring feelings to light, I’ve stated earlier, in a previous post that the Foo Fighters’ “Wasting Light,” was a great album when I first heard it, but was turned into something that became unlistenable at a certain time. What were once great songs, suddenly had meaning that I wished they had not. “I Should Have Known,” incorrectly dubbed an ode to Kurt Cobain, the second to last opus that reunites Dave Grohl with Nirvana producer Butch Vig and bassist Krist Novoselic became an unlistenable. Yielding “Broken Promises,” not about YOU with the line “…lay your hands in mine, HEAL me one last time…” But also the telling line, “…no I cannot forgive YOU yet, YOU leave my heart in debt…” Just messing up my Foo further corrupting In Your Honor’s “Best Of You,” and shockingly…damn words, Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace’s “Let It Die.”

The manuscript Blue Lines is the fictional coming of age narrative of a young California woman Key Yemaya Walker, and her 2 year growing journey through school, love, and life period piece, written by Kenneth Suffern, Jr., taking place at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill between the years of 1997 – 1998. Loosely based on true events, and experiences during that time, told through the eyes and voice of the main female protagonist, a freshman first attending the school.