Okay, so after talking with a family member, some of the themes of the aborted post came up, thus this post.
In life, yes I would say I believe on love at first sight, likely mentioned before, but there are somethings much deeper, and the concept of “soul-mates.”
Though less about me stating, “oh I’ve found my soul-mate, oh life is great, etc. the theme is more about finding oneself. In finding that person, I do believe you can find the one, and it eventually not happen and/or even work out…whether it be timing, both at different places in their development, or the inability to handle.
I noticed that I found myself in this occurrence…and, not being a cynic, I had to ask myself, how much I like myself. You may ask, what do I mean…when you are in a position, that you end up looking at this person, noticing and observing this person, and you see yourself reflected…it is almost frightening. It essentially boils down to a question my cousin asked on my behalf:
“Would you date yourself?”
I’m nice, I’m thoughtful, I’m generous, I’m loving, I’m an asshole, I mumble, I talk ish a certain way, I can’t stay still. I’m slow/quick to anger/irritation…as I have little quirks, and when I see/saw ten in someone else…too much of the same things that make me me…my good and my bad…it’s not enlightening.
It caused me to pause…sit back, and evaluate the situation. Think about the things I may have to fix with myself. Am I comfortable in my own skin? I believe I am, however am I comfortable with you, in MY skin?
I asked, what’s worse, knowing your soul-mate, and being mature enough to know, it may not happen? Or not knowing them at all?
-“I always prefer to know,” was the reply.
I was asked separately, “What does it feel like to do something for her?”
I briefly thought, then responded naturally, “I haven’t done anything for her. The little that I’ve done, I feel that I’m doing for myself.” And that realization was refreshing, saddening, eye opening, and weird. I was able to look at things clearly and in all totality.
All in all, it comes down to making sure that one can sit back and take the totality of themself, and take on this “challenge,” or brave the chance that you may also lose, but not for lack of trying. So do I love my imperfect self, THAT much, and if so, can I deal with TWO of ME?
It remains to be seen, but eye-opening, nonetheless.
The manuscript Blue Lines is the fictional coming of age narrative of a young California woman Key Yemaya Walker, and her 2 year growing journey through school, love, and life period piece, written by Kenneth Suffern, Jr., taking place at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill between the years of 1997 – 1998. Loosely based on true events, and experiences during that time, told through the eyes and voice of the main female protagonist, a freshman first attending the school.