I have easily said that there has been a change in my life, and there has…but it has been a result of the dearth of changes that came before. Am I a changed man? What does that change include?
I saw a friends Facebook page, and looked at the focus of his life amidst his own ordeal, and saw the center and focus on his family (READ: children and wife). Though the grass oft looks greener on the other side, I can see how genuine his love for his family is. Why did that resonate to me? I think because that was what I wanted. The wife, the kids, the house. Sit back in stability. I thought in terms of “We,” and the greater “We.” silly, no sentimental symbols would show off our union, though in the end it was not about anyone else.
Simply and respectfully stated, it all changed. Was the change something repressed? Was it taking advantage of the opportunity? I think it was a walking back to the fork in the road, and choosing the other path. My ambition and experiences grew in that direction, but I moved forward, still with a focus on family, but for being there for my extended family as an adult, who were, of course my immediate family as a child. In a relationship there was a searching for the perfect situation, or perfect person…to “fit.”
So my life focused on financial stability, career, ambition and goals, and a vast lust for life and experiences that spanned good and bad. I chose to embrace this thing that everyone watched and enjoyed, and at some times a beautiful monster, a beautiful mess. Amidst it all that family to hold on to was elusive. No wife, no children to come home to.
Conversely, what do I want, and how do I want it should…no, when that comes, it will not look like my previous vision, nor will it look like my friend interaction who inspired this post. My personality has migrated from wanting to know the how and when, I just know for certain goals, sooner rather than later. Am I still capable, sure. Do I want it, yes? Do my old rules apply…obviously not.
So what does the future hold? A continuation of the grounding process. My ID (not Ego) got out of control, and is still out there at times. What did I learn…I do feel I missed out on that experience, and that the old me would have been infinitely happy missing out on this life. I also learned that the current me will be infinitely happy in how a good loving plays out this way…with a “like” person…I’m not trying to fit to incongruent pieces together at 39 years old.
The manuscript Blue Lines is the fictional coming of age narrative of a young California woman Key Yemaya Walker, and her 2 year growing journey through school, love, and life period piece, written by Kenneth Suffern, Jr., taking place at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill between the years of 1997 – 1998. Loosely based on true events, and experiences during that time, told through the eyes and voice of the main female protagonist, a freshman first attending the school.