“…you ruined me, I don’t want to settle for anything else…”
A quote you will see in both major Blue Lines Blog posts this week, but I will get to that in some time. This week was eventful that the “e-mail” that I have been vaguely mentioning very often in these posts came in 2 very different incarnations over the last 3-4 weeks. Both transmissions, said two totally different things. Subsequently, after learning a new type of patience, I do feel that I still have much to learn, that the 2007 – 08 version of myself would have learned much quicker, or should I say that version of myself was more grounded.
Unfortunately, the message I received was shocking, as it was unexpected, and after the work I had put in, the level of surprise was that much more intense. While I sat bewildered, shocked, surprised, angry, annoyed, saddened and depressed for a brief time, that was a first for me (the depression), my fight or flight responses were on edge, as I had previously scheduled plans, that I had a big role in making happen, therefore I could not disappear…for an evening I had to hide in a public setting, which was both fortunate (I was not left to my own devices to possibly sulk), and unfortunate (I needed some time to clear my mind and thoughts).
Luckily I was afforded time to reflect on the entire situation the day after. As I sat back, with the information still freshly imprinted in my mind, I thought of how I was leaving my decisions to this one piece of information. Yes, in part I had made other choices as they pertained to this piece of information, but instead of the plan being a direction I was heading in, it was contingent on the perceived answer/outcome…between BBM messages between a good friend and I, the overriding tone of the day was “focus.” Items that crossed my mind, “my continuing process of getting in my way,” “decisions contingent on myself,” “alignment with my goals,” Blue Lines, my future.