The lament of my wish to have had been a father and husband,
On 11/9/16 the world changed, and the small part I tried to play was rendered impotent. Bearing my soul to you, I now question one of my major life goals which has been adjusted by age, but it is having you…my family. I can look back at how my family ended up in the United States through slavery, through my Cuban grandfather joining the U.S. Military to come here. True Republicans have been elected and served in contrast to my having cast a ballot against them. Never have we been on the verge of this…the future is muddy. Eight years ago, I had “Hope” while wondering what an untested Obama would do, today I am mired in “Despair,” as a misogynist racist waits to take over the current leader of the free world. It boggles my mind how the provincial minds of his electorate who he could care less for, would cast an uninformed vote based primarily on hate. Hate of differences, hate of diversity, hate of everything that is idealistically what the United States is supposed to represent. In 4 years, we will truly be asking a candidate to “Make America (that’s actually the name of the continent) Great Again.”
Yesterday, in response to the election, my niece was surrounded by children, who taught by their parents to hate, celebrated the election win by stating, “go back to the plantation.” I am so filled with rage. I met my teenage niece in her second year as a precocious toddler, and I’ve have been a part of her life throughout her growth into a young woman. She and her sisters for a long time were the daughters and children that I did not have. I hate the world and country that they are living in, especially today, and I fear the future. Do I want to create a child who at around 3 years old, may live in a country that has been destroyed by this criminal? What type of father would I be to bring you into this world, is this love? My best friends wife (and good friend) had to explain to her son that Tuesday’s election may be the decision that could lead to a draft again by his 18th Birthday. I fear for the children who are in my life now.
To you, I would have loved to have been your father…I still want to be. To your mother, I love you too. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you and shield you from this. I’m sorry that I failed you. Sometimes I place so much on my shoulders and feel capable of taking on the world…
What do I do? Not become mired in the morose that took me early in the morning when the results were announced, and the remainder of the day. I move forward, and work harder to be a part and preserve the little we have. I also actively play the role I can in counteracting the negative effects that the 4 years of a Trump presidency will have on this country. This is a new country, that has been taking an ugly turn, evidenced by true feelings being revealed, and decency disappearing. I can’t stop living, I’m wary of those around me, and people are easily showing me who they are. I must be more of a social force, and give back and teach what I can so that what happened in this election does not happen again.
It is early, however I have to do the work. My sweet baby, it is always darkest before the dawn, I will find the light. Maybe my mind will change, maybe you will will your way into lighting my life, regardless of my current decision to protect you by not having you. I light of that, I will always love you, I will always protect you, I will learn what this is along the way with you.
Lovingly you potential father,
The manuscript Blue Lines is the fictional coming of age narrative of a young California woman Key Yemaya Walker, and her 2 year growing journey through school, love, and life period piece, taking place at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill between the years of 1997 – 1998. Loosely based on true events, and experiences during that time, told through the eyes and voice of the main female protagonist, a freshman first attending the school.